My prolonged isolation in the tiny patches of Driftless prairie remnants has made me somewhat “elusive” with other people. I’ve only been speaking in person to my very immediate family or my Doctor. Even that contact is fleeting at times. I do post online and communicate so I am not a total lunatic. Just a bit of one.
I have been open about my struggle with drinking but not the root causes of my strife. My family knows that when I do drink you can get either of two Rons. Usually it’s the relaxed, happy to tell crazy, funny and perhaps inappropriate stories. Occasionally it’s “Tormented Ron” who nobody should have to endure. Least of all those closest to me.
Thankfully I began getting real medical assistance. It's been helping. Simply being officially diagnosed with PTSD, being able to discuss some of my darker experiences is like dragging these tar-like skinned, tentacled, writhing, shrieking “moments” out into the light. It seems to help dissipate the dread. A dread that isn’t always present, only sometimes; like when I go into the madness of a burning, sick world.
I have been the family peacekeeper for about half of my adult life. There have been many, varied, horrible situations. Mental, emotional and spiritual upheavals are no strangers to me. Nearly always the potential for violence or extreme emotional meltdowns is present. Usually by myself when dealing with these things, there’s no backup. Knocking at doors at dawn. Entering other people’s turmoil. There has been blood. Screams. People who do this 24/7 as First Responders amaze me. For me, it's just dealing with family craziness as we try to “keep things quiet.”
My wife says I'm really good at it. That it's when I'm at my “best.” It takes a crisis I guess.
Smoke shrouded wind turbines spun on smokey winds. They generated electric power not unlike my dark fears of what may lay ahead. If no one has seen this family member in over fifty years, what trauma has driven her away? How broken was this soul going to be? What kind of madness was I driving into now?
I lowered my lance and charged.
I had to get Peggy.
#GottaGetPeggy #OIIIIIIIO #JourneyToTheWest
